8:15 a.m. Went to Stevenson’s for breakfast.  Apparently freshmen are too tired out from partying to actually wake up so there is no one in the dining hall.

11:00 a.m. Group Advising meeting–most of these freshmen seem lost and bored.  One boy didn’t even have a first-year seminar; I thought he was joking.

11:30 a.m. Still in my Group Advising meeting: notice how no one really has questions because they want him to stop talking.

11:57 a.m. Walking to lunch together with all the fellow advisees.  There are people here complaining about how they are being forced to sit together.

12:05 p.m. Arrived at Stevenson.  Apparently there are waiters today, and everyone is complaining about the crappy salad (the only thing they gave us).  There is one boy here who can’t seem to get over the fact that iced tea in Ohio is unsweetened.

12:45 p.m. Hung out in Dascomb, where all the freshmen are freaking out about course registration.

2:00 p.m. In Peters for my academic advisor meeting.  These two boys walked in and they couldn’t even say their academic advisor’s name.

3:01 p.m. Met some random strangers on the way downtown. Collectively, we discovered a whole foods market.  After five minutes one girl begged to leave for somewhere not healthy.

3:45 p.m. Walked to Kahn and spent a great deal of time in the kitchen, where I discovered from someone who actually lived there that it’s also known as the fish bowl.

5:00 p.m. I am sitting at the weirdest table.  There are two boys going on and on about pop culture differences, and they are singing all these random songs.

7:10 p.m. Went with my floor mates to the Many Voices panel thing.  Some boy had the nerve to get up and ask if a polar bear’s weight could break ice and if zombies walk through water or swim.

9: 36 p.m. Watching freshmen wander around in hopes of finding a party.  They are so party hungry.

Welcome to Oberlin: musical paradise of northeastern Ohio! Whether you’re a new first-year student or an Obie vet, the following can serve to guide you though the sometimes overwhelming sea of Oberland artistry. Enjoy.

Andy Cook - myspace.com

1. Oberlin resident Bobby Stevens rolls your burritos at Agave by day, but by night he whispers you bourbon-drenched folk tunes as if he were the long-lost son of Townes van Zandt. Influences include Wild Turkey, beautiful barmaids, “that low down feelin’ in the bottom of the soul, hope, glory, frustration and everything in between.” Listen: “Give Me That Smile,” www.myspace.com/bobbystevens

2. This August, Andy Cook and the Wanderloons toured in support of their summer release Sing, Dionysus!, a record chock-full of both sing-a-long choruses and heartfelt lullabies. It’s as if Neil Young and the Beatles had a kid–truth be told, the results are almost too good for words. Listen: “Between the River and the Fire,” www.myspace.com/andycook

Haley Antell - myspace.com

3. Haley Antell crafts exquisitely finger-picked ballads that feel disarmingly ethereal, yet grounded in reality. During her solo shows (she moonlights as one of Andy Cook’s Wanderloons), she’s been known to cover Americana icons Patty Griffin and Hank Willams, Jr. Listen: “Slow Summer,” http://www.myspace.com/musichaleyantell

4. Double-degree student Matt Orenstein plays quirky folk-pop reminiscent of the Mountain Goats or Dear Catastrophe Waitress-era Belle and Sebastian. With his whimsical lyrics and expert whistling skills, Lionel O is truly a staple of the Oberlin musical community.  Listen: “To Chelsea,” www.myspace.com/whoislionelo

5. College junior Andrew Gombas is more than arguably the most prolific artist in Oberlin’s music scene–in 2010 alone, he’s recorded and released three albums. His most recent, Piblokto, is a record full of loss and desperation; fitting, as the record’s namesake is a hysterical condition known to specifically affect Eskimos. Listen: “Sara’s Song,” http://gombas.bandcamp.com/

6. The Bearcubes play sunshiny pop music that feels like puppy kisses, warm blankets and ice cream sundaes; songs such as “Summer Storm” include a string quartet stirring amidst a jaunty piano ostinato. Did I mention the two oboes? Listen: “New Moon in the Morning,” www.myspace.com/bearcubes

7. What do you get when you mix keytar, two double basses and a female Tom Waits? The Bits, of course! Their live shows, though infrequent, are a force to be reckoned with. Listen: “Icecream Cake,” www.myspace.com/thebitsohio

Organ Yank - myspace.com

8. With influences ranging everywhere from avant-garde composer John Zorn to more mainstream artists such as Outkast and Parliament Funkadelic, Organ Yank aims to assault your ears with fusion jazz perfection during every live performance. If there was ever a band to embody the term “auditory orgasm,” Organ Yank would be it. Listen: “Road Dome,” www.myspace.com/organyank

9. Zack Kelley fronts a group of musicians with a name that changes almost as often as Ohio weather in the summer. His band’s most recent incarnation goes by the Maids of Le Mans, churning out rock ditties that simultaneously confuse and intrigue, while still preserving Kelley’s signature solid songwriting. Listen: “Buckets of Love,” www.myspace.com/unclezaxandthestepkids

10. There’s also this pretty sweet band called the Black River Belles that y’all should listen to. Bringing “bluesgrass” to the Oberlin community for the past two years, this three-piece aims to break traditional notions about folk music while sticking to a bluegrass instrumentation of guitar, upright bass, and fiddle. Gosh, it’s really awkward to write about your own band. Listen: “Wagon Wheel,” www.myspace.com/blackriverbelles

7:15 a.m. Woke up ready for day two of my assignment.  While I was in the bathroom, I noticed a lot of exhausted freshmen clearly aren’t used to lacking sleep yet.

8:00 a.m. Went to eat in Stevenson Hall, where a lot of people had soft serve for breakfast, as if they were attempting the freshmen 15.

8:30 a.m. Went to Essential Details about your Oberlin Education.  The most fascinating thing about that entire thing was the deaf interpreter; kids were falling asleep.

9:30 a.m. Ditched the Faculty Panel discussion and went to hang out in Kahn. A lot of students were freaking out over placement tests.

11:00 a.m. Went to the game room in Kahn.  Some of these kids take pool really seriously.  Two students watched a newly-installed environmental reader, trying to guess what color it would change to next.

12:00 p.m. Went back to Stevenson Hall for lunch.  Freshmen are kind of dull right now.

1:00 p.m. Went to downtown Oberlin, where I overheard a girl talking to her mother and saying bye multiple times.  Again, some parents have real letting go issues.

1:12 p.m. A bitter Kahn student revealed that the hall’s air conditioning will be turned off next week. Now all the other halls can have their revenge.

1:30 p.m. Went to the conservatory.  A lot of these conservatory kids seem sort of cliquish and snobby, as if they are soooo much better than the students in the college.

2:30 p.m. Attended the honor system meeting.  We are old enough to know not to cheat by now.

2:36 p.m. Ran into someone I met last night. He remembered me, but I phased out and momentarily forgot him. I blame last night’s darkness and the amount of people. And the awkwardness.

3:30 p.m. Heard kids practicing instruments in their room–they are all amazingly talented and easily fascinated by each other’s talent.

4:45 p.m. The freshmen continue to mistake the RAs for fellow first-years. They are still embarrassed when they are referred to as “freshmen” again.

5:24 p.m. A group of students was discussing cafeteria food, and they expressed their anger towards pescetarians who called themselves vegetarians.

7:00 p.m. Headed back to Barrows to get ready for The OC event  where we learned about relationship problems we can face in college.  It was entertaining and everyone loved it.  We also learned who was still carrying their v-cards–that number to date has been 0.

9:00 p.m. Went to Stevenson Hall so our RA’s could force us to socialize.  It was awkward for everyone, but at least we got free sex kits.

9:13 p.m. Our hall ran out of sexual safety kits. Much disappointment was had all around.

9:17 p.m. An RA from another hall entered the gender neutral bathrooms in Kahn, had a double-take and asked if he was in the right place.

9:30 a.m. Move in to Barrows Hall.

10:00 a.m. Kahn move-in seemed especially fun with construction still going on in key areas like doorways while students and their parents dragged unwieldy bags and objects.
11:30 a.m.  Fellow freshmen at Carnegie seem so lost.

12:45 p.m.  Women protesting Oberlin going corporate shows you how politically active Oberlin is.

1:00 p.m.  Stevie was full of students awkwardly balancing meeting new people and their parents, as well as their plates.
1:51 p.m. Barrows lounge totally empty.

2:10 p.m. A reporter for Fearless and Loathing almost blew my cover at the ice-cream social.

2:25 p.m. Met two more freshmen, one who happened to be color blind.

4:00 p.m. I learned that tax here is 6.75%.

5:12 p.m. I still can’t believe some of these parents are here.  They have real letting go issues.

5:30 p.m. Tried to mingle, but spent the picnic trying to stay out of the heat and getting through the line for the drinks.
6:45 p.m.  It felt like a thousand degrees in Finney.  A senior named Sam told me that is tradition that during move-in week at Oberlin, it has to be at least 90 degrees.

9:00 p.m. These R.A.’s are really long winded.

10:30 p.m.  Most of North Quad was filled with awkward introductory circles, but there were also some glow-in-the-dark things people were throwing around.
11:00 p.m. People seem to be really focused on where they came from–it’s the ice-breaker topic for everyone.

When you hear “Safety and Security!” or “ResEd,” usually, you’ve been caught.  Here’s what you need to know about Oberlin’s alcohol and drug policies.

Inside the Room

When the Safety and Security officer (S&S) or the Residential Education employee enters the room, their job is to obtain information to write an incident report.  You are obligated to hand over your OCID, although you are not required to answer any questions that they ask.

While they write their report, they may ask you to complete a witness account, which you can refuse to do.  If they do not ask you for a statement, you have the right to request and be given the form.  Your account will be submitted to the proper authority with the official report.

While the S&S officer or ResEd employee is in the room, s/he is only allowed to report on items left in plain view.  Without your permission, they cannot open closets, drawers or any closed containers without a written order from the Dean of Students.

The Aftermath

After the incident, S&S forwards their report to the Office of the Dean of Students, and ResEd usually within 24-72 hours.  The report is reviewed and then sent to the appropriate hearing officer typically within another 24-72 hours.  Within 10 business days of the incident, a hearing officer will likely contact you via email.  The email gives the date of the incident and a brief summary along with the charges pending against you.  “Sometimes a notice will be sent later because the hearing officer already has a very full case load and needs to balance the case load with other responsibilities,” wrote Assistant Dean of Students Kimberley Jackson Davidson in an email.  Notices may be sent up to 12 months after the incident.

Once you receive the email, you have three days to schedule a meeting with your hearing officer.  The meeting itself does not have to be held within three days.  Unless you allegedly committed a serious offense or are a repeat offender, your hearing officer will most likely be an administrator in ResEd.

The administrator to whom you talk first is responsible for determining whether your actions broke the rules and whether there’s enough information to bring charges.  They can then file charges on behalf of the College.

During your meeting, the administrator will talk to you about the nature of the charges, your rights and responsibilities and explain the judicial process and its reasoning. “Despite its name, the judicial system is not a criminal justice system,” wrote Jackson Davidson, “It is intended to be an educational process that intervenes to help students recognize how some of their individual choices negatively impact or have the potential to negatively impact themselves and/or the community in which they live.”

During the meeting, the administrator also provides a list of potential Judicial Board members if you choose to take the case to a formal hearing.  The Judicial Board is comprised of 15 students appointed by Student Senate.  If you know any personally or perceive a bias, you are allowed to reject up to five from the list.

If you admit responsibility to the infractions, the administrator will decide which sanctions to apply.  “Our system provides students the opportunity to take responsibility for their own behavior and to choose to face the consequences,” wrote Jackson Davidson.  Either the student admits guilt and sanctions are given, or there is insufficient evidence to file charges. “I’d say 97%, if not more, of cases are resolved within an office,” she said.  Without a confession, the administrator does not have the authority to give you sanctions.  If they file charges, your case will be heard by the Judicial Board or Community Board.

The Community Board is comprised of nine faculty and six students.  They have jurisdiction over cases involving obstruction or disruption of the essential operations of the College, non-academic disputes between faculty and student and cases that the Judicial Coordinator believes could result in suspension or dismissal.

Infraction Penalties for Drug and Alcohol Offenses

Sanctions for first infractions are not severe.  Your hearing officer is typically a Resident Director in ResEd, and penalties include one or a combination of the following: a written or verbal warning, online screening (E-Chug/E-Toke), reading a relevant booklet and writing a reflection paper and/or relevant educational interventions.  There is a $20 administrative fee to take the online screening that is charged to your term bill.

For second infractions, you will talk to either an Assistant Dean in ResEd or a judicial coordinator.  They have the choice between the following sanctions: deferred probation for a period of less than two years, parental notification*, CHOICES (an alcohol/drug class that adds $25 to your term bill for the administrative fee) and/or relevant educational interventions.

For third offences, either a Judicial Coordinator or the Judicial Board will determine your set of sanctions.  Their choices include: an alcohol and other drug screening performed by the Counseling Center and/or appropriate educational sanctions, an alcohol and other drug screening performed by the Lorain County Alcohol and Drug Abuse Services, parental notification and/or probation ranging from one semester to graduation.

For four and more offences, the possible responses are: referral to a substance abuse and/or other intervention services along with status sanctions.  These sanctions include extended probation, suspension or dismissal as decided by the Community Board.

*Regarding Parental Notification: You will be given the chance to tell your parents yourself.  They are then supposed to contact your hearing officer to confirm that you have told them.  If the hearing officer does not speak to your parents within 24 hours, they will place the call themselves.

List of Sanctions

Warning—Warnings (verbal or written) are documented in your judicial record.
Fines—You have to pay for any damage to College or personal property.
Limitation on Participation—You may be barred from participating in certain College events.
Counseling–You can be required to receive a psychological/psychiatric assessment and take any recommendations made seriously.
Campus/Community work and Educational Workshops–You may be required to fulfill a specified number of community service hours either on or off campus
Residence Hall Room Change—You may be relocated either temporarily or permanently.
Restitution—You may be required to provide compensation for loss, damage or injury.
Denial of Residence on Campus—You may be barred from living on campus.  If this is your only sanction you are still able to complete your degree
Probation—This warns that the next infraction will, under most circumstances, get you a suspension.
Deferred Probation—This warns that next infraction will, most likely, put you on probation.
Suspension—You must leave Oberlin College until the end of semester and can return after completing your suspension without petitioning.  Parental notification and restriction from college property usually accompany this sanction.  Suspension is part of your permanent disciplinary and academic records for an amount of time specified by the Judicial Board.   You cannot take credits elsewhere during a suspension unless approved by the Dean of Studies.  Any suspension must be approved by the Community Board.
Deferred Suspension—This notation on your permanent judicial record states that if sanctions aren’t completed satisfactorily and within a specific time, you are automatically suspended.
Withholding of degree—Withholding a degree affects second semester seniors when probation or suspension is a possibility.  It must be approved by the Community Board.
Dismissal–You are expelled from Oberlin.  Dismissal is only used in the most serious cases or when a student receives a second suspension. It remains permanently on your academic record.

The Kohl Building Celebration Concert, with a special guest performance by international superstar Stevie Wonder, added to the magnitude of the opening of the Bertram and Judith Kohl Building. Though Wonder topped the bill, the night really belonged to Wendell Logan, Chair of the Jazz Studies Department and Professor of African American Music. Logan founded the Jazz department in 1973 and has been instrumental in establishing its repute among classical musicians. Many distinguished graduates and professional musicians toasted his accomplishments on Saturday in Finney Chapel.

The first group of alumni performers included best-selling author and Oberlin graduate James McBride, who studied under Logan during his time at Oberlin. McBride thanked Logan on his work before launching into Logan’s  composition, “Howl for Albert Ayler.”

The second quintet of the evening, also consisting of five Oberlin graduates performed the song “Skylark”, which they dedicated to two recently deceased Conservatory professors, Donald Walden and Neal Creque. The song had a slow, sullen melody and sweet, heartfelt solos, especially from trumpeter Farnell Newton ’99.

Next up was a saucy performance of George Gershwin’s “The Man I Love.” This song highlighted the vocal talent of 2009 graduate Nina Moffitt and got the audience tapping their toes. The song was well chosen and the saucy solos from the four instrumentalists were a definite high point.

The performance that followed featured several recent graduates. Theo Croker ’07, Sullivan Fortner Jr. ’08, Christopher Mees ’09 and Kassa Overall ’05 performed a rendition of “My Funny Valentine”, a jazz standard. Theo Croker exhibited fluid improvisation and was a pleasure to listen to throughout, though I would have liked to hear more from the rest of the band.

For ’83 graduate Allen Farnham to perform his composition “Foot Prince”, two additional pianos were wheeled on stage. Farnham was joined by fellow pianists Allen Baker ’00 and Ted Baker ’83. The song was very complex and featured very little improvisation. After a few minutes, Baker stood up and finished the piece on drums.

The last song before intermission was another three piano arrangement called “Star Monk: 3 Regenerations” written by Wendell Logan. Before the song, master of ceremonies Bobby Jackson referred to Logan the “conductor of the underground space train that runagate beyond the loniussphere where ‘many thousand go.’” The tune was very funny and was well received by the audience.

After the intermission, the Oberlin Jazz Ensemble took over the show. Joined by singer Lamont O’Neil ’91, the ensemble kicked their set off with a rendition of Duke Ellington’s “Take The ‘A’ Train.” The song began slowly, and then kicked into high gear toward the end exciting the crowd.

OJE then launched their tribute to Stevie Wonder with an arrangement of his song “You Are the Sunshine of My Life.” For their third song, OJE called on stunning vocalist Joanna Lemle ‘10 to sing Wonder’s “All In Love Is Fair.” Then the ensemble, accompanied by a large string section, delved into a Stevie Wonder medley that included instrumental versions of “Higher Ground”, “I Wish”, “Isn’t She Lovely”, “Sir Duke” and more.

After over two hours of incredible music, Stevie Wonder took the stage, welcomed by a standing ovation and applause. He spoke humbly, thanking the crowd often and thanking God even more. His tone then shifted to humor. “People ask me, ‘how do you feel about the first African American President?’ And I say, ‘Well, I can’t see him but I’m happy about it anyway!’”

Stevie introduced his first song by saying, “My heart must be a polygamist because I think you’re all ‘My One and Only Love.’” He continued with renditions of “Send One Your Love” and “All I Do (Is Think About You).”

Several faculty members joined Wonder onstage for a raucous performance of “Superstition,” which was definitely the climax of the night. Finney Chapel was on its feet. He closed the night with a song he wrote for Michael Jackson entitled “I Can’t Help It.”

To express Oberlin’s gratitude for Wonder’s charitable performance, Dean of the Conservatory David Stull announced that one of the piano practice rooms in the new building would be dedicated to Stevie Wonder. Because his 60^th birthday was only a few days away, Nina Moffitt and Joanna Lemle presented Wonder with a birthday cake and started the audience in the chorus of his song “Happy Birthday.”

The Kohl Building Celebration Concert was the biggest show Oberlin is likely to ever see, with overflow seating in both The Apollo and Warner Concert Hall. With almost three hours of spectacular performances, the concert was a world-class salute to a world-class building.

Dr. Bill Cosby sat center stage for nearly two hours and told stories that had Finney laughing gleefully.  His jokes on Friday, April 30 centered on his childhood relationships with his parents, music, girls and words.

He started with his childhood, admitting, “It’s very difficult being a parent because you try to be nice to the child but they get confused—the child gets confused.  They know your name is mom, they know your name is dad, but they really think you’re a servant.”

Unlike servants though, parents have “the look.”  “My mother had a threat,” said Dr. Cosby, “it was not a complete sentence.”  His father’s word, on the other hand, was “say.”  “You would be misbehaving and ‘SAY!’  That was enough,” said Dr. Cosby, continuing, “You don’t want him to stand up; if he stands up, he’s not gonna waste it.”

Dr. Cosby’s first introduction to music was Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie and the like.  After a thorough scat impression, he elaborated on the way they would dance to that music.  “Everybody’s going crazy over break dancing.  No, these people left the ground.”

From his chair, Dr. Cosby flung his feet around, threw up his arms and explained how men flung women all over the place, and they did everything without looking at the women they were dancing with or losing their hat.  All of this took practice, the logistics of which baffled Dr. Cosby.  “How do you practice in the projects I do not know, because your living room is half the size of this carpet,” he said motioning to the perhaps 10’x15’ carpet he was sitting on, “then there’s a hallway, then there’s a kitchen.”

Growing up completely broke, Dr. Cosby explained how he got himself into these dance halls for free.  “I had no money and I did not sneak in per se.”  One day at his high school, he found a music stand backstage and took it.  When a dance was coming up, he would take his case.  Knowing that the “thing starts at eight o’ clock, I would get there at six.”  If questioned, he would motion to the case.  “The musicians don’t know it; they think I work backstage, and the people backstage think I’m in the band.”

Throwing transitions to the wind, Dr. Cosby began to talk about the word “suck.”  “’That sucks,’ ‘he sucks,’ ‘this course sucks,’ and I say stop it,” said Dr. Cosby.  “Sucking is good.”  His reason being?  “Sucking saved your life.  When you were born, the only think you knew, other than breathing and blinking”–the rest cut off by laughter and applause—but continuing, “if you don’t suck, you outta life.”

“The second thing is this,” was Dr. Cosby’s next transition.  “As you get older and older and older, some things pop up into your mind too late…things that you could have said 30-40 years ago to somebody.  They may even be dead now.”  He gave the example of his 14-year-old daughter saying, “I didn’t ask to be born in this world.”  His knee jerk answer was, “Well then die,” but he admitted that was not a good parental answer.  “Four months ago, the answer came.  She’s 45 years old, so I’m passing it on to those of you who don’t have an answer for that.”

The answer is, “Yes, you did.  About nine months before you were born, I released about 60 million sperm cells.  You were one of them and you started swimming with the rest of them.  You could have stopped off and let the others pass you, but you swam with no instructions on where the egg was, and when you got there first, you slammed the door shut.”

Next, Dr. Cosby turned to a memory of being six years old and wanting a racing car that cost 15 cents and a cereal box top.  “Now, my parents were not poor, they were broke, and I didn’t like them.  I didn’t like either one of them because broke people are no fun…and not only were they broke for me, they went on and had two more children.”

Little Cosby had three levels of persuasion.  The first was to ask for 15 cents nicely, to which his Father said, “Son, we don’t have it.”  There existed a few voices in Little Cosby’s head, one of which said, “See, I told you.”  Another said, “They got it, they just don’t want you to have nothing, that’s all.”  So he took it to the second level: whining.  When his father said again, “Son, we don’t have it,” the voices responded, “I don’t see how two grown people, in their middle 20s, both of them working, and they don’t have seven and a half cents apiece.”  So he took it to the third level: mucous, to which he gained the same response.

In a brief interlude, Dr. Cosby skipped to tell a story about physical punishment back in the 1940s.  A group of friends were playing ball when Edward West was at bat and his mother came out to say that dinner was ready.  He asked to finish his batting, to which she asked if he thought she was cooking “for her health,” said Dr. Cosby.  “Go on back in the house, [Edward said] I’ll be home when I’m ready.”  After shooting a look, Dr. Cosby added, “We never saw Edward again.”

“Anyway, you don’t report your parents to anybody,” said Dr. Cosby getting to his point.  “You don’t go to some old person and say, ‘My father hit me in the head,’ because that person would hit you.”

Returning to his racecar story, he knew his limits about talking back, but he could stomp.  So he stomped up to his room and once there, “The voices said to me, ‘Slam the door!’ and I said ‘Yeah!’”  After slamming the door, “The three voices said, ‘Now lock it!’ and I said, ‘Yeah!’”  So he sat on his bed, hardly able to breath, “And I was just wishing that they would get so sick and they would be dying…and then they would be like, ‘Oh son, oh son, please, we’re dying please come and save us’ and I would say, ‘I don’t have it!’”

Well, his father came up the stairs “and said, ‘Junior? Junior.’ And the voices said, ‘Don’t answer.’”  After trying the door, his father said his name one more time and told him to open the door.  “Then my father knocked on the door one more time with his foot. BOOM! The bolt held, but the molding…”  At this point, his father had a look on his face that Little Cosby had never even imagined and the voices left him.  With his father standing over him, he had no idea what to say so he started to sing.  “Jesus loves the little children.”  His father, looking down on him said, “Junior, Ima tell you something, and I want you to remember this as long as you live.  And then he knocked me out.”

Little Cosby awoke in his mother’s lap with an icepack on his head, his mother telling his father, “‘You shouldn’t do this,’ and my father said, ‘you’re the person who told me to go up there and kill him.’”

His next story concerned a childhood friend he called Poppy Whitehead.  “Me and Poppy Whitehead had fun.  We didn’t like girls,” said Dr. Cosby, prefacing the story.  One day while he was playing at Poppy Whitehead’s house, his older brother had a girl over.  Little Cosby and Poppy Whitehead watched as the two got closer together, “and then she opened her mouth and he opened his mouth and then we saw it,” said Dr. Cosby using his hands to show the two tongues making out.  “It was the nastiest thing I have ever seen in my life.  If a girl ever put her nasty tongue in my mouth I would punch her in the stomach real hard and she will have a baby.  And Poppy Whitehead said, ‘Yeah man, you could get like polio from doing something like that.’”

The next story was about one birthday party when Little Cosby, now around 12 years old, played spin the bottle.  This was after “something happened to me overnight.  I had a dream and after that, I just liked girls,” said Dr. Cosby, who wished he had been warned about this dream.  “Now, why wouldn’t my father tell me, ‘Son, sit down.  Now, you’re gonna have a dream.  Uh, there’s gonna be a woman in the dream, but she’s not gonna have a face and she’s not gonna have a body either, but you’ll know she’s there.  You’re gonna have a good time.  You’re gonna get a feeling like you’re gonna pee.  Don’t pee.”

When it was his turn to kiss a girl, Little Cosby was very excited.  When it happened, “Poppy Whitehead fell back laughing (hoo haaaa).  ‘Punch her in the stomach real hard!’”

From there, Dr. Cosby went on to discuss sex.  At one point, everyone got wallets, and in the wallet they kept a rubber.  Eventually, a raised ring comes through the wallet, “So when you wanna prove to somebody that you’re gettin’ some–that’s what they called it, it’s called ‘some,’” Dr. Cosby mimed pulling out a wallet and holding it up.  “Same rubber, eight years.”

Next was a story about a girl who was “fine,” as in hot, as Dr. Cosby described.  She wasn’t going with anybody and one day she said she wanted a “plutonic” relationship.  “I had no idea what this word means, so at the time I was happy,” said Dr. Cosby.  When he went home, he asked his father, “‘Dad, what does the word ‘plutonic’ mean?’ ‘It means you ain’t gonna get none’ ‘But get none what?’ He said, ‘Good, then you won’t miss it.’”

When he was finished, Finney gladly gave him a well deserved standing ovation.

Speak like an Oberlin student in no time.

There are some things you’ll have to learn if you want to find your way around campus, because the names on the dorms can be misleading.  Sometimes names are just shortened: Stevenson is Stevie, Fairchild is Fairkid, Zechiel is Zeke.  But Fairkid and Fairchild Chapel are not the same places.  The Chapel, usually referred to as Fairchild, is on the North side of Tappan Square, where there are concerts.  Program houses usually go by their program name; we call them French House, Spanish House, or Third World House instead of Bailey, Harvey, and Price, respectively.  And other times, these rules are broken.  Afrika Heritage House is usually shortened to A-House, Johnson, the Hebrew Heritage House, is J-House, and Langston, a traditional dorm, essentially goes solely by North.

You won’t be stuck in the dorms your entire time at Oberlin (except if you stay during Winter Term), and dorms are not the only places with confusing names.  The Cat, short for The Cat in the Cream (Make it dirty.  Go.) has open-mike nights and student performances.  It’s located West of the Science Center.  The Sco is the student dance club/bar that is in the basement of Wilder, as is Decaf (pronounced Day-Caf without the e of a Café), which will soon be your savior for all things food.  You’ll go to Gibson’s (Downtown) for cigarettes, and you’ll ask someone to make a Johnny’s run (North on Main St.) for alcohol.  You’ll probably eat at The Feve (that’s not the Feeve—we like open Es), and Tooo Chinoise, which has no correct pronunciation.

Some other notes:

You can check your mail in the basement of Wilder.

There are kittens in the Ginko Galleries.  Walk straight to the back, and you can play with them.

The Wisdom Tree is the tree in the center of North Quad.  Go there for a good time.

If someone refers to a building called Hogwarts, they mean Peters or maybe Talcott.

Hales Annex is next to The Cat and they have a scary connected basement.  The College Bowling Lanes and the Pool Hall are also in the same building as The Cat.

The closest things we have to frats, in terms of parties, are the sports team houses.  In terms of cliquishness, it’s the co-ops.  The two do not mix.

Go to the Arb.  Walk down South Professor St. until you walk past two really cool dorms (J House and Old B) that you can’t miss.  It’s on your right.

Enter through the two sides of Stevie.  You can’t use the middle entrance for food, and the balcony is fake.  You will never use it.

We encourage returning students to add to this list.  Let’s get them oriented.