Unfortune Cookie
The following are all real fortune cookies1 from real Chinese restaurants in real cities across the country. What is your fortune really trying to say to you?
“A well fed romance nourishes the soul.”
You probably wont feel complete until you get laid.
“Your success will astonish everyone.”
Everyone expects very little from you.
“People do not lack strength they lack will.”
Unless your name is William. Then you’re good to go.
“Take the change while you still have the choice.”
Otherwise you might end up writing fortunes for a living.
“Benefit by doing things that others give up on.”
Fuel your ego by succeeding where others fail.
“Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.”
Sorry, we were really high when we wrote this one.
“You don’t need talent to gain experience.”
It’s not too late to submit your American Idol tape, though.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when (s)he’d rather be anywhere else.”
Ladies, if you find a guy who will listen to your issues instead of kicking ass at FIFA 2011, he’s a keeper.
“Acting is not lying. It’s finding someone hiding inside of you and letting that person run free.”
Also known as a multiple personality disorder.
“If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by.”
Even we thought this one was cliché. Sorry.
“Dream your dream and your dream will dream of you.”
Inception.
“Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb about.”
We hope this made you realize how much you’re dumb about
“Stop waiting! Buy that ticket Take that special trip!”
Our chains of Chinese restaurants are located in over 30 states so make sure you go to one of our primary locations!
“What you will do matters. All you need is to do it.”
This is our profound way of saying “no shit”.
“A good beginning is half the start.”
Quit while you’re ahead, folks.
“Attend to business another day, nurture your love life.”
Fuck responsibility, get laid.
“A kiss makes the heart young again and wipe out the years.”
Unless that kiss is from your grandmother and she hasn’t shaved recently.
“You’ll always get what you want with your charm and personality.”
Except a dignified, well paying job right out of college. We’re in a Recession, people.
“Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you.”
Really, though, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
“Don’t cry.”
Turn around, bright eyes.
“A pleasant surprise is waiting for you.”
The waitress forgot to add your Hot and Sour Soup to the bill!
“Remember this: duct tape can fix anything, so don’t worry about messing things up”
Except your impending divorce. Duct tape can’t fix that…
“A small lucky package is on its way to you soon”
Remember the anthrax scare? Not so lucky, was it?
“The majority of the word ‘can’t’ is ‘can’”
You can’t spell “funeral” without “fun”!
1 note: no fortune cookies were wasted in the creation of this piece.
