By Gossip Girl

Friday:

7:07 p.m. Women’s alumni soccer game is the first stop tonight.  I am pacing myself so as not to ruin my night again.  Pong soon!  Friday!  Woo!

8:43 p.m. The different varsity athletics alum will be having fantastic parties this weekend.  This was clear to me as soon as I accidentally came around the corner of the snack/bathroom stand and caught a bunch of 27-year-old guys shotgunning brews.

10:40 p.m. People are in awe over this new beer.  Viva la BÜRGER!

10:55 p.m. Resident of the house just usurped my position on the list for pong.  They also just lit some hookah.  Smell worse, Oberlin, at all costs…

11:20 p.m. I have never been so happy to accidentally stumble upon football guys.  This is more fun than usual.  We’re on a quest to see vandalism from some Alumnus’s freshmen year.

11:36 p.m. Rideline just stopped right in front of me, and 12 girls tumbled out like clowns.  I just giggled cause the frosh have no chance tonight.

Right before this, a gaggle of them wandered up to the house I was playing pong at, and the guy who lived there just told them to leave at the door.  The fact that they knocked was a dead giveaway.

11:56 p.m. Scrappy Doo Update: “The drunk bus appeared as if sent by god to aid us with our sinning.  God doe7 ind3d love the pussy.”

12:42 a.m. I am now worried there’s a naked Scrappy Doo roaming around.

1:31 a.m. Could someone explain the problem with Friday night lately? I’m so shocked that we can’t get things together, Oberlin. I’m going to start a column this week where I give party advice.

Saturday!:

11:38 a.m. I just got to Black River and ordered a mimosa.  Mimosa came and blew my mind.

HOLY SHIT!  THAT’S LIKE HALF A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN THERE!

12:46 p.m. There is always a weird/super hung over crowd at Black River Cafe.  I wonder what the people from outside Oberlin think of us rolling in all fucked up from last night.

I swear someone called me a heathen on the way in.

2:52 p.m. Against last week’s advice, I’ve been playing pong since about 1 with Rosy McMasters.  In accordance with last week’s advice, I stopped after one game, and am napping it off starting now.

Rosy McMasters is one of my favorite alumni.  I met him my freshmen winter term in New York, and he taught me about Brass Monkeys and I ended up on the floor.  A Brass Monkey is just like that mimosa I just had, but you use a forty instead of champagne.

6:39 p.m.  I ended up wandering to the soccer games at about 5 and some super awesome pre-game things were just planned.  I will no doubt end up rocking out with the vast horde of varsity alumni!

These plans fell apart as soon as we made them.

7:25 p.m. “Warming up” at Union Street with peoples.  We’re watching the last 10 minutes of The Departed in between games and shotgunning beers.

8:09 p.m.  OC is tied.  I am two shitty calls away from yelling at the referee.

Right after this, a coach from the other team was expelled from the game for yelling at the referee.

9:56 p.m. Pong again?!?!

10:56 p.m. So wasted already.  The lady I was playing with has to drive later, so I had most of the beer.  I’m not sure how I agreed to drink 9 beers in the last hour.

It was because she was pretty, and I was drunk.  How many times have we heard that story?  We were almost shut out by a dude and his (super cool pothead) mom.  Depressing…

11:18 p.m. Losing the game makes it worth drinking more.

No, it doesn’t.  This is a feeble attempt to make myself feel better about losing beer pong to a couple of alumni who normally go to bed at 9 p.m.  Epic fail.

11:20 p.m. Should I go to the pimps and hoes party?

I think so!

12:22 a.m. Rosy McMasters is in a poodle costume.  Where am I?

Rosy McMasters interpreted “pimps and hoes” to mean, “I’m gonna put on this poodle costume and dance with a girl with no pants on.”  Side note: I still don’t know where I was.

12:44 a.m. Rosy Mcmasters needs two minutes at a party to lock it in.

Ten minutes ago, Rosy walked out of the party in cutoff jean booty shorts and a poodle hat with a girl wearing nothing.  She was gorgeous, and he was in top form.

1:01 a.m. I decided to bail on the black and white party. Too many kids were talking about it. Frankly, a party can be over publicized.

1:36 a.m. Swim team knows how to throw a party. This is the first nudity-heavy party of the year. Yay!

1:37 a.m. I just literally found Gunther lying across the sidewalk in front of home. Why Gunther?