By S.

Domination and Submission make up the heart of BDSM. While BDSM includes more than can be imagined, the majority of BDSM involves power imbalances. It is tantalizingly erotic to dominate someone, and there’s something equally thrilling about submitting. The role you take is a matter of personal preference, and just as both morning and midnight passions are thrilling, and menthol and warming lube each have their place, dominating and submitting differ but can be equally sexy.

Playing with power can be something as mild as telling your partner to kiss wherever you point, or something as extreme as full relationships and lifestyles that depend on submitting to your Doms every whim. The balance isn’t always as simple as who’s tying up whom; you can be pinned under a play-friend and still be the Dom. Even if they leave burning red hand prints against your face and bare ass, if you are the one yelling, “hit me, hit me harder, you’re not a man if you cant hit me better than that,” then you’re making them submit to your desires.

To spice up some vanilla sex with a little bit of D/S play:

Dirty Talk up your roles:

Something as little as whispering to your lover, “You’re going to fuck me tonight” with a commanding tone can shift an evening towards some fun power play. Asking permission and remembering pleases and thank yous serve as small reminders as to who is submitting. Or, you can take the commands and verbal whipping a little farther.

Play with rules:

Agreeing to rules and consequences for your play heightens desire and lets you know who is allowed to do what. Generally, the Dom sets rules for the Sub to follow. Don’t do anything until I say you can, no moving your hands from the head board, only call me mistress, don’t stop playing the accordion until I cum, etc.  But Dom/Sub does not always have to be that clear cut. “I will give you head and do whatever you want, but only when and how you explicitly tell me what to do at every lick. When the instructions stop, so do I,” is a fun way to torture each other. Even though the recipient dictates every lick, the rules and the power to leave remain in the mouth of the giver.

And rules bring us to discipline, the other D in BDSM.

Discipline is Doms punishing Subs for breaking the rules, and self-discipline, in a different set of rules. As a Dom disciplining a sub, discipline can be anything from the BDSM repertoire—pain, humiliation, and further rules. But when BDSM and sex are intertwined, I have always found deprivation of pleasure to be a burningly arousing way of showing who’s in charge. You can always stop, stand up and leave the instant your play-friend does something wrong. When used sparingly, the shock of walking out of a room naked leaves any lover sitting amazed that you are serous, know what you want and have the power to leave them wanting you more than you needed them.

I highly recommend that everyone walk out mid-sex at least once, to prove to their partner, and more importantly themselves, that they have the power to end everything when ever they want.

Self-discipline extends into the deprivation of pleasure. Telling your lover than they cannot cum until you give permission, or not letting yourself reach climax until the rules are met, torturing you with the need for release, gives a far deeper pleasure when you are allowed to have it. Even just suspending the tip of a ready-lubed cock barely inside the orifice of your choice, describing how you know they wants it and how good the full thrust will feel, and not letting it happen, creates a near eternity of desire.

• JUST REMEMBER: Any time you bring a new toy or dynamic into BDSM, test it out first, know your limits, and be clear about how your partner can use it with you. For example, if you are okay with scratches and a tiny bit of blood, then make sure that everyone you play with knows that anything more severe than a deep fingernail scratch is unacceptable. Maybe you’re okay with having marks showing in class the next day, and maybe you’re not—just be clear about your rules.

Xoxox