By Gossip Girl

On Friday night, I did something that would most certainly reveal my identity.  You will have to live on just this week’s…

SATURDAY NIGHT

9:41 p.m.  Hanging with my old party homie, L’Homard. Putting our fresh gear on.

10:03 p.m.  I’m pregaming to Bring It On: Fight to the Finish.  The rule: everyone drink when there’s a culturally insensitive scenario.

I hear a lot about how this school isn’t the same as other schools.

10:28 p.m.  I’ve learned that attractive people are somehow capable of dancing technically difficult routines without any forethought.  Is this a sign that telepathy is possible?

10:48 p.m.  This movie has inspired tonight’s dream team of L’Homard, Gunther, Scrappy D, and me to find girls who wear cheerleading outfits on a normal day.  Apparently women like that exist.

11:00 p.m.  Just walked out of my house and a girl was pissing on my front lawn. Classy.

I’m impressed with this.  My first three thoughts were, “That girl is peeing,” “That girl can’t see me,” and “That girl is peeing on my front lawn right while I want to be walking across it…Do I say something, or is it more awkward to wait?”  I should also point out that this lady should have changed to a cheerleading outfit to cover up.  Wow.

11:27 p.m.  Black light party sucked. We’ve moved to an undisclosed location until this shitty party emergency is over.  I’m totally digging the iconic alumni here, though.

11:43 p.m.  Off to Walnut Street. I’ve been told about this party a lot, but nobody knows whose place it is. This means one thing–way too many will show up.

If there are 5 groups of people who know about a party, and none of them know the people who live there, then you know it will have too many people.

12:00 a.m.  Having been to Woodland, I’ve decided that the kids who live there suck at throwing parties.

You suck.

12:10 a.m.  We lost Gunther and Scrappy Doo. Headed to another party. L’Homard and I are still on a search for girls who can telepathically choreograph.

12:35 a.m.  This is great. I like the house I’m at, because the perfect number of people came.  I’m happy to see that fun still exists at parties despite the fact that the current freshmen now exist.

I’m starting to get excited about the night.  I think there might be exactly the right amount of space.  Way to make a party seem packed and yet conserve personal space.

12:44 a.m.  I just heard from Gunther that Safety and Security just walked in to some other party, camera phones blazing, and took a picture of people there.  Why don’t they just install cameras in everyone’s houses so there can ALWAYS be photographic proof of what is happening?

Why do they have to act like an authoritarian regime?  I left the party I was at so that I could avoid any chance of late night bullshit ruining my night.

1:06 a.m.  Total buzzkill.  I still can’t get over how bothered I am. It is time to use an undetermined type bong for an undisclosed purpose and go to bed. I’m looking forward to brunch tomorrow!